I don't want to be someone who always sees what is wrong in their life. I want to be able to look out through the storm and still be able to see the goodness amidst the trials. I want to praise my God for who He is...mighty...all powerful...omnipotent...merciful...gracious...and GOOD. Lately at times that is all I can pray, "Lord remind me that you are good. You haven't forgotten about me. You have good things for me and for my husband and for our lives. Help my unbelief...help me to know that you are a good and loving God." This season of my life has left me with little to cling to other than the promises I know in my heart to be true. It has required me to have faith...not because I see great things...or because we are being blessed...or because life is turning out the way I hoped it would....or that I feel that my prayers are being answered. No....faith that is just that. Faith. Faith that is unseen. It is a hard thing to do to have faith when life looks so much different than you ever imagined it would be. I'll admit...more often than not I don't have the kind of faith that hopes all things and believes all things. Most of the time I allow my doubts, my worries, my disappointments, and my sorrow to reign in my heart. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to having the faith I so desire. The faith that reminds me that my heart and my life belong to a good God, that He has great things in store for me, that He gives and takes away at just the perfect time, and that EVERYTHING, every single tiny little thing is happening in our lives just as He has planned.
So it is not a mistake that the road we are on is a hard one. I can't see what is up ahead...and I don't get to know. I have to trust that wherever it is that God is taking us will be exactly where He wants us. And I don't get to know how long this stretch of road lasts either. What I do know is that He will never leave me or forsake me. That He will be willing to lead me by the hand...and He will...unless I refuse His hand and attempt to make it on my own. But of course, if I insist on making it on my own I will realize I need Him and cry out for Him. So I know that taking His hand really is my only chance at having peace during the unknown and the uncertainty. So as I take this road unknown, for who knows how long, I will praise my God for the things He has done. I will rejoice that I am known by Him and I don't have to worry because my life is in His hands. And I will rejoice because of the husband He has given me...and enjoy the time that we have to be together. I will rejoice in my health...the many blessings we do have (rather than focusing on what we don't). And I will enjoy the time I have for myself...for sleep...for freedom...for spoiled dogs...and for the ability to be spontaneous. After all, I am writing this from Utah because I came out to be with Jon for a couple of months. So while we wait for our rainbow...I will choose to enjoy the rain.
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