It is no coincidence that I wrote my first blog about a rainbow. Last weekend there was a crazy storm here...everything from wind to rain to thunder and snow. It was wild. Wind that was so strong, blowing rain and snow sideways. And cold. I kept peeking outside to see if it was on it's way out since my puppies were getting tired of being pent up and were ready to go for a walk. We had been sitting inside most of the day curled up on the couch listening to the whipping wind and the rain beating against the windows. Just as it sounded like it was settling down, things would pick back up with an unbelievable intensity. After hours of this I wasn't sure the dogs and I would make it out at all. Slowly but surely, the clouds moved out stopping the rain and snow and all that was left was the wind and the cold. I could bundle up and handle that. I finally decided that it was decent enough to get out of the house and get some fresh air with my dogs. The poor things had been giving me puppy eyes for hours. I peeked out the window from the kitchen one last time and caught a glimmer of a rainbow. I thought to myself, "a rainbow in January....how weird".
It wasn't until I got the dogs loaded into the car and was on my way to the trail that I understood the magnitude of this rainbow. It expanded high into the sky and outlined the entirety of the storm. I can't remember ever seeing a rainbow in January. I think back to my last post, "until I see the rainbow I will choose to enjoy the rain". Immediately tears fill my eyes. Thank you Lord. I truly believe that I was intended to see this incredibly beautiful sign from God that stormy Saturday. "I will never leave you, I will never forsake you" my heart speaks deep within my chest. More tears. "I am faithful...I have a plan for your life...take my hand and walk with me." Tears run down my cheeks and my heart is full. I am known by God. I am loved by Him. He hasn't forgotten about me...He spoke when for so long He has been silent. It was one of those rare moments in life when I feel that maybe I'm not as small as I think I am. I was exactly where I needed to be that day...and I saw exactly what I needed to.
The main thing I think I've been able to rest in since that day is that I serve a mighty God. And I mean MIGHTY. I don't have to worry because He holds my future. And His plan for me in unique for me...no one else is on the same journey that I am on. I can be pissed about that....OR I can be honored that He would choose to give me these challenges. That He would trust me with so much. How will I respond with the testing of my faith? How will I honor Him with MY specific journey? Will it make me better? Will it refine me like gold? Or will it make me worse? Bitter...angry...jealous...hopeless? Will it turn me into dust? I pray that it makes me look more like Him.
He has asked me to give Him two things nearest to my heart. My dad. And my desire to have children. Neither is something I can give over easily. And neither has a safe outcome or a sure ending. But He knows how the story ends...and that is all that really matters. I will follow Him no matter what the ending looks like. None of this is out of place...the questions...the tears...the pain. It is exactly how its suppose to be. And He is the author and perfecter of my faith...so I will give Him my whole heart. As I let my fingers loose...I work at positioning the desires of my heart in the palms of my hands. My fingers keep reaching back...fighting...trying to take back what belongs to Him. My heart screams "What if"...."BUT"..."WHY"..."I'm scared"..."This isn't fair"...and it takes me filling my mind with the rainbow to quiet those cries and trade them for truth. That I serve a mighty God who desires to give me a hope and a future. As my grandpa always said as he faced his final days, "He holds the keys". My heart is open...to whatever it is God is bringing into my life. And I will work to live my life on my knees, palms up offering all that I am to my Father.