Tuesday, February 7, 2012

He knows....

In our quest to achieve pregnancy I have found this to be a very lonely time.  The only perspective I have of mommyhood ended all to quickly when I miscarried at 9 weeks.  It's hard to believe that almost 2 years have passed since that day.  Time does heal...it takes the initial sting away...however the pain of that memory is just a part of the pain this journey has brought.  After the miscarriage I was terrified of going through that experience again...so we took some much needed time to heal and put our hopes of having  a baby on hold for a while.  When enough time had passed I decided that even if I had to go through loss gain, my desire to have a baby outweighed that fear.  Considering we got pregnant on the first try the first time around I figured that in no time we would be sharing our news with friends and family.  Well...9 months later we still have no baby news.  Month after month I get my hopes up only to have them come crashing back down.  It has been a rough ride:( 

Surrounding the ups and downs this journey has brought...I have had to deal with having many women very close to me delighting in the birth of their own children, or the announcement that they are expecting.  No one prepared me for this part of life.  The part where your heart aches to have the very thing that it seems everyone around you has.  Joy, excitement, thankfulness all mixed with jealousy, envy, bitterness, and anger.  It is impossible to describe unless you have walked this road.  I can't handle anyone else telling me to "just relax", enjoy the time I have with my husband, be patient, "trust me it's all it's cracked up to be", or "you can borrow mine", or even asking "are you pregnant?" every time they see me.  NO I'm not!!  The truth is my arms are empty and my heart longs to hold my own children. 

 It has been hard to understand God's plan in all of this.  Why people who don't even want children have an oops and have a baby.  How I see women in public every day with children they don't even seem to want.  How someone can have a God given desire to be a mother and cannot get pregnant, or who only knows the joy of motherhood for 9 short weeks.  Tough sledding.  Trust me....these are the thoughts I live with every day.  All while asking God to still my mind...remind me that He is good even when things don't go my way...and to help me to trust Him with my future.  I truly feel that the days of anger and unrest are on their way out.  Praise God!  I am beginning to learn to praise God for this trail, knowing that He has CHOSEN me to endure what most don't have to face.  That He has entrusted me with a tremendous opportunity and challenge to honor Him with.  He must have plans far beyond what I can see...and I pray He uses this season in my life to bring Him glory.  And one thing I know for sure....I am gonna love the hell out of my babies when they come and truly appreciate the gift of children!

I have prayed so many times, "God you just don't understand.  You say that you know how we feel and how we struggle in all things.  But you didn't carry a child...or loose a baby before you even met them....or grow a life inside you".  I wrestled with anger because I knew the desire to be a mom came from God and if He would give this desire then why wouldn't He bless us with a baby.  I sometimes feel like the stork is dropping off babies at everyone else's doorstep and didn't get the memo with my address on it.  For real!  What gives??!  I would cry out to God telling Him that I couldn't handle another one of my friends announcing their pregnancy.  I was mad....and sometimes I still am.  But the thing that has put a damper on my temper tantrum is knowing that God does know the pain of loss.  He gave up His only son.  And not only gave Him up...turned Him over to the hands of death.  For all for us.  How I pray He can forgive me for ever believing He didn't and doesn't understand.  He knows the pain of loosing a child.  I imagine this same pain encompasses longing for children as well.

The thing is that although my perspective is beginning to change...there is no certainty in the outcome of this whole thing.  I sincerely pray that the outcome is that someday soon I will hold our babies and see my husband take on the role of the most amazing father of all time.  But because I don't know what the future holds I cling to the promise that I know who holds my future.  And as I stumble through this trial....I know I will have tough days ahead and days that I will fall short.  Days that I'll trust completely in the goodness of God who plans to give me a future and a a hope.  And days that I will allow anger and bitterness to reign in my heart as I work out all the ways that this "isn't fair".  Psalm 73:26 sums this up perfecting: "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."  And as much as I look forward to being a mommy and holding little hands...I look forward even more to kneeling before my God and praising Him for all of eternity!!!

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