Saturday, March 10, 2012
Can I just tell you how I really feel?!
It helps me to be able to write my thoughts out...somehow it is healing to put the words somewhere I can see them. Thoughts fill my mind constantly...fears, doubts, lies...all trying to take over the truth I know to be true. Learning to control my thoughts and my mind is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I think of the way that things should go...the way that I believe would be best...the road of least resistance. You bring us through our lives in the way that is best for us...but most often not the easiest. I can understand that in order for us to grow that we have to be tested by fire...we have to endure the tough stuff in order to learn to trust you. In order for us to know you we have to need you...we have to be humbled and brought to the place that we know you are in control. I guess I just wish I could sit here with my cup of coffee and you with yours and ask you WHY. Why Lord? Why is this the best plan for my life? Why does this have to hurt so much and be so hard? Dealing with my parents divorce and my dad leaving us...and the brokenness of my family...the dysfunction that I am a product of...the heartache that I am working though. Is that not enough of a hardship? You are asking me to simultaneously deal with not being able to get pregnant. Without exaggerating I have sat by and watched almost every single one of my friends conceive no problem while I am back at the starting line. It feels like torture. It feels like you have forgotten me. It feels that you want me to turn my back on You. These days are dark...they offer little hope Lord. You want me to praise you...to give you the glory....and deep down I want to too....but I feel that I don't really have a whole lot to give you. Breathing...existing....waiting...hoping....crying....fighting....wondering...wondering WHY. Day to day...month to month...have you any idea how hard this is Lord?! I am broken....I am devastated....by a mess of things. And I know that you won't leave me and you won't forsake me...and you are writing my story perfectly...but WHY is this the road? Why is this the way? WHAT ARE YOU DOING???????????????????? Tears fill my eyes because I am FRUSTRATED. I am sad. I am angry. And in my heart I know that you are holding me...telling me to trust you...that you do have a plan. To not give up...to endure the pain. My prayer is that you make beauty from ashes Lord. Do something mighty. Do something great. Make me better because of this...not worse. Align my thoughts and my ways to your truth. Don't leave me or forsake me. Give me what I need in order to continue to walk in You...remind me that you are there and that you love me. Help me to keep my thoughts at bay...that when they try and consume me that I would remember You.