Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Do I hold the desire to have children and be a mom in a healthy way?  How do I make sure that it doesn't and hasn't become an idol in my life?  There is nothing besides you Lord that deserves my praise and adoration...but do I worship the affections of my heart in your place?  Do I put too much hope and longing into my desire to start a family? I know that this desire has been placed in my heart by You.  Have I made it more than you intended it to be?  Are the tears I have cried and the pain I have felt...the disappointment and frustration and jealousy of others...are these things understood by you?  Have you covered me with Your grace while you have watched me walk this journey?  I pray that my life would be honoring to You.  I pray that You would be my everything....that You alone would be enough.  Satisfy my heart, encompass me in your goodness and your grace.  Sweep though me with truth.  Give me peace Lord, moment to moment, breath to breath.  Be my rock, my fortress, my deliverer.  Be my all in all.  Take away from me the ways that I feel wise in my own eyes....the plans I have that I believe are best....and allow me to rest in You, the author and perfecter of my faith.  You have carefully thought out the plot of my life...the way each chapter fits together.  You have designed each and every season in the perfect way...in the way that will bring You the most glory.  You have chosen me to represent you to the world and to test my own faith, and you will use each and every event in my life to accomplish Your eternal purpose.  You look after the birds of the air...you make sure they don't go hungry.  You look after the lilies of the field and make sure they are clothed.  I know that if You give that much attention to detail that my life will not be overlooked by You.  Be near to me Lord....allow me to trade lies for truth.  When I want to believe that You have forgotten about me remind me that You will never leave me or forsake me.  When I want to believe that life isn't fair remind me that You have worked out all things for your glory.  When I want to give up speak to me.  Where else would I go?  What else would I cling to?  You are a good and merciful God.  You formed me before the foundation of the world.  You formed our children before the foundation of the world.  You know exactly when the time will come for us to be parents, it has already been decided.  Why do I have to worry?  What is there to burden me?  I have you...and that is more than enough.  I am in a place that you are forcing me to realize that YOU are all that I need.  My husband is working long, hard hours and isn't available emotionally.  My friends aren't calling.  My family is far away.  Most friends have entered the world of children or are pregnant.  I feel so alone sometimes.  You are all that I need.  You alone.  Thank you for never leaving me...even when I am deserving of being left alone.  Thank you for the trails Lord...thank you for the storms...thank you for giving us what we can't bear.  These are the times that we understand your grace and your goodness.  Without you all of this would be impossible.  Thank you for giving me your spirit and for allowing me to believe in You.  If I didn't have You to cling to I don't know where I would be.  I will trust in you, especially when I can't see...because You know where I am heading and you know the ending.  I will trust that You, O Lord have written this part of my story just the way You have planned.  I only hope that I can make You proud as I turn each page.

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